girly and scared

So, I'm finding that I'm getting more and more girly as I get older. Has anyone noticed how windy it is tonight? It's for real freaking me out. It sounds like someone is breaking into my house and I'm totally scared.

I had other topics, but I can't remember anymore. To break with the girly-ness, I'd like to point out that I definitely called the Viking's loss tonight. Not that I was hoping for a loss - I just knew they probably would...c'mon, new england vs the vikes? Obviously the patriots.

I'm going to bed. This week is KILLER.

effects

I need to figure out how to not let people make me cry.

Any advice?

faith

I get this daily email, Fresh Manna, that's kind of like a daily devotional. Here's the verse for today:

Heb 6:10-12 “God is not unjust; he will not forget your work and the love you have shown him as you have helped his people and continue to help them. We want each of you to show this same diligence to the very end, in order to make your hope sure. We do not want you to become lazy, but to imitate those who through faith and patience inherit what has been promised.”

When I read that verse, my head typically rushes straight to ideas of how to be a better christian, how to make my faith more evident to those around me, how to make sure that everything i do is for the kingdom, etc. I need to be diligent. I need to have huge plans and make sure that everything I do is going in the right direction. I feel like if I don't know the purpose and reason behind everything i do and everything that happens to me, then I must be off the path or headed in the wrong direction. But then the email slowed me down. The author tells a story about a guy who had great aspirations of ministering, but then the moment something in life went wrong, he freaked out and left his faith behind. The author says that it's all about the basics. We need to show we can be faithful in the little stuff - not just because it's the basics, but because it builds our foundation. How can we expect ourselves to demonstrate solid faith if we haven't been able to commit to having regular times with God? It was a good reminder to start with the little things, and then in time, we'll be entrusted with more.

The other related lesson the author wrote about was trusting that God has a plan for us, even if and when we can't see it. Here's the poem he quoted, which helped me wrap my mind around that blind trust. If i can't even unfold a rosebud without hurting it, why do I think i'm going to be able to unfold my life on my own?

Unfolding the Rosebud
It is only a tiny rosebud,
A flower of God's design;
But I cannot unfold the petals
With these clumsy hands of mine.
The secret of unfolding flowers
Is not known to such as I.
God opens this flower so sweetly,
When in my hands they fade and die.
If I cannot unfold a rosebud,
This flower of God's design,
Then how can I think I have wisdom
To unfold this life of mine?
So I'll trust in Him for His leading
Each moment of every day.
I will look to him for His guidance
Each step of the pilgrim way.
The pathway that lies before me,
Only my Heavenly Father knows.
I'll trust Him to unfold the moments,
Just as He unfolds the rose.

I thought it was a cool way of thinking of trust in God.

catching up

There's been a bit of a blogging break, eh? And so, multiple topics today...

First, "sharing" your neighbor's wireless internet. Here's a link: read the article Basically it says if you're using wireless internet you didn't sign up for, you're stealing. My thought...and this option is mentioned...there are ways to secure your wireless internet. If my neighbor determines it's not worth his time and/or effort to password protect his wireless internet, then he has decided to share with me. So, it's not stealing. If there wasn't a way to secure the wireless internet investment made, then absolutely, using the neighbor's wireless internet is stealing. But, there is a way....a very easy way. (Side note, if the neighbor was smart, he would put his phone number as the name or password on the wireless network so whoever wanted to use it could call him and he could charge them money. People could band together and get neighborhood internet...save a bunch of money, etc.)

This brings us to topic number two. I am not borrowing my neighbor's internet because it is doubtful if any of my neighbors even have home computers or the knowledge of how to use one. The reason for the break in blogging was the "fun" I had with my initial internet provider: Qwest. Bottom line - Qwest now has at least one Better Business bureau complaint filed against it for illegal sales practices and Comcast now has my business.

Third, I LEARNED HOW TO CONSISTENTLY OVERHAND SERVE tonight!!! AH! So much fun! AND I found a group of people always looking for subs on their volleyball team!!! SO PUMPED! You can not begin to imagine the light in my eyes and the smile on my face tonight. I was glowing. :o)

Fourth, the first trip with a boy (my engaged friend) was fun. We saw fenway park, boston commons, and the charles river. We also saw seven hours of chicago midway and lots and lots of crossword puzzles (luckily, crossword puzzles were my minor in college, so we completed a TON). Our friend whom we saw in boston is now a married man. A husband. My engaged friend gets married in November, and then that leaves me as the last of the college friend group to be single. Weird.

There was more, but it can wait.
Love to you all!
Madison visit on the radar and so excited!
-R

grey's anatomy

You knew it would happen at some point - a blog about grey's anatomy.
I just watched this past thursday's episode tonight.

First, just let me state that I LOVE this show. I've never had a show for this long. I watched the practice for maybe two seasons, the west wing for possibly just as long, and a myraid of other shows for one season or less. I just can't justify cancelling or turning down plans for TV. Until now (although i will use my VCR to allow for some flexibility in this). [as a side note, i will mention that i am extremely annoyed by the assumption - made by people who have tuned in for only a few episodes - that all of the sex is something i completely support and appreciate. bugger off people. seriously. seriously? seriously. it's not about that at all. and if you actually gave the fricken show a chance and were understanding towards people who live a different life than yourself, you might actually learn something and see the underlying themes. ahem. thank you.]

So yes. Grey's Anatomy = fabulousness. (mainly because I see me).

Anyway, tonight. The theme was fantasies, but the comment that struck me was about the pain. It's kinda related to fantasies in that we use fantasies as an attempt to escape our pain (and not necessarily all stereotypical fantasies is what was meant, but instead anything that isn't reality that we use to try and escape the pain).
***And so the question/comment was: Maybe it hurts for a reason.*** But here's the dilemma: Is it better to hang onto the fantasy (i know that's not the right answer) or embrace the pain but struggle with the fact that the reason for the pain may never be known? Maybe it's that the pain can be dealt with, but the lack of reason is what makes it harder?

f.r.i.e.n.d.s

i feel like rachel on friends.

but for some reason, i feel better. maybe it's because everything's back to complete honesty.

in other news, i'm headed to nebraska! i'll be on the lookout for my twin!
and, not related, GO TWINS! :o)

the lake house?

has anyone seen the lake house? i just watched it (my first redbox rental). I'm not sure if it's one of those movies i should watch again because i'll get more out of it, or if i should just leave it as a very odd, confusing, unrealistic movie. course i cried, but still. odd.

also watched the wedding date tonight. talked to a friend yesterday about it. made me wonder about boys/guys/men in general (in no way is this a reflection/commentary on my friend) - but are they all really that callous on the inside and some just hide it better than others? "you may wonder why your relationship isn't like the one in the movie, but we wonder why you can't look like debra messing."

In the past i've loved being "one of the guys". I lay out the fact that i'm not interested in dating anyone, i just want to be friends, that i like that guys aren't catty like girls - and for some reason they just open up. Or, the friends of a boyfriend - they assume that since you're with their friend they can be completely honest with you: they wouldn't ever date a girl with big hair, or a girl that has weird parents, or that they're not really into their current relationship but she's good for messing around, or etc. Are some just taught better than others what's okay to say and what's not? But even then, are they all like that inside but some are able to ignore it? Does it matter either way? Can one make broad generalizations for a gender? I guess i would resent that if someone did it to the female gender. There have just been several jaw-dropping comments as of late, and it's making me wonder. That's all. Not cynical, just wondering. thanks.

So anyway. If you read this and are of the praying type, can you please keep me in yours tomorrow (today i guess: wednesday) at 8pm cst. thanks.

sheer insanity

I've always thought it would be neat to be amish. I love reading books about the amish, imagining what it would be like - the horse drawn carriages, the simplicity, the old-time values and morals. From what I know, attention of any sort is not really preferred - so they've got to be having a rough time with this. I hope that their faith is the kind they can lean on in this. My prayers are with them. Execution style, without reason? How does one make sense of something like that?

Here's the question that's been bouncing around my head for a few days now - how does one go from slightly crazy to completely, over the line, all-out nuts? I think everybody is a little bit neurotic and crazy in their own way - but what happens to make that 'edge' of insanity full blown? What makes the craziness seem to make sense? Seem to be normal? Seem to be right? You know that with that kind of planning he certainly wasn't wondering if his line of thinking was rational any more. It just WAS. To him, he was most likely being extremely rational - or at least thinking that his behavior was a direct and equal reaction to what happened to him (what that is, no one is still 100% sure).

So, how does one get to that point? Is it that he kept everything bottled up for so long and never evaluated it? Is it that he kept mulling it over and mulling it over until it finally built up to something so catastrophic that it dictated this type of response? What makes a person just flip like that?

Of course what I'm getting at here is: What keeps any one of us from ending up like him someday? Is everyone prone to sheer insanity and we all are coping with it and keeping it restrained? Is the craziness something we all of a sudden gain one day?

If the completely irrational (as far as society's morals, norms, laws) seems rational at that point, what guarantee is there that what we think is rational right now in our heads actually is by societial standards?? If the standards we use to determine if we're rational is our own gage of it in our heads - how do we know we're not already crazy?